Dear All

It’s been exactly 8 weeks tonight since my accident and as I finally have my voice back I thought it befitting to put a post on what seems to have become a chronological record of post accident events through your gracious, unselfish support and comments. 

During that 8 weeks I have passed deaths door, scrambled back through vivid lucid dreams, grappled with reality, finally found myself in a less than desirable condition, started coming to terms with it and realised using the power of your support as a filter, that my 37 years lived thus far have been wholesome and without regret.

I will endeavour to provide a short list of gratitude and if I miss you out please forgive me, dictation is not my forte!

To Sally, who provides me a measure of time, thank you for being so solid and loving.  I realise that this is as difficult for you as it is for me yet if faced combined could be less difficult for both of us.  I also want to thank  my girls for their innocence and resilience.

To my Mum, stalwart and protective, realiable, frank, a reflection of me.  Thank you.

To family and friends who have travelled from far -  UK, Hong Kong, Switzerland, Australia and of course Zim.  To Bren, Al & Lance Malloch-Brown, the Greenways & Ralphs for  their assistance with the evacuation & background logistical support for Sal and the girls.  To Mike for help on the financial management & for compartmentalising the way forward.  To Warren for making me cry.  To Nick – the IT guru & Kerry for being gracious hosts and opening your home.  To Nigel, Boss & partner, thanks for teaching me to find opportunity in chaos, always.  To Marc thank you for keeping me up to date on work – a visit from you always uplifts my spirits.  To Simon Rothwell, I owe you more than a bottle of whiskey. To my regular visitors who are too many to mention by name but I know who you are and I look forward to your next visit.  To those who follow the site, those who have me in their prayers and meditations I feel the positive energy generated by your concern and best wishes.  I should also thank the staff of Milpark who contrary to my earlier beliefs are not trying to kill me!

In the next few days I will take another step and head to rehab where I am confident of making progress in every department.  In the mean time lots of love from an immobile but alive  and well Tom.

My visit with Tom on Saturday was so good, he is over another chest infection and is just a different person. Al was with me for the weekend and we shared some giggles and good old Tom witty humour.  He is craving sweet things and happily enjoying the Woolies fruit we are bringing in. He has asked Isaac for another haircut – a number one and Wendy bought him an electric shaver as he says he cannot go through another cold shave again. 

At this visit he said the Lung Doctor would “give him his voice back on Monday!” This would be done by taking him off the wall c-pap completely, changing the tracheostomy tube to a narrower one (9mm to 7mm) and putting a cap on it in order for the air to pass over his voice box.  I haven’t heard Tom’s voice for 2 days short of 8 weeks.  Monday morning came and nothing had happened but shortly into my visit the nurses asked if I could step outside for a few minutes.  I was called back in by the nicest nurse in the unit.  She said “Tom SAID to call his wife back in and I HEARD him”.  He was beaming. What a precious sound, from the top of this mountain, it was.

He reverts back to mouthing his words for some of the time as it takes alot of effort still.  His neck brace is taken off for a while each day and he aims to go in the chair daily if his blood pressure copes.  He has asked me to bring in a pad and paper so he can dictate a message he wants posted on the site so watch this space………………

These were Mike Wray’s words to me recently. At the time Tom was running a temperature with another chest infection and thinking quietly of patience and of grace was helpful for me, along with attempting to be as open as possible to whatever place Tom was in.  He has since recovered from this particular infection and with a normal temperature the past three days has been relaxed and easy in himself, enjoying his food and fruit and muffins!  Plus lots of breathing on his own.  Not fully yet,  his body is re-learning this skill, but mostly on wall

 C-Pap, which is him doing it and only occasionally on the ventilator. 

Tom says he is very much looking foward to Sally coming tomorrow and he misses seeing Ciara and Erin, whose visits were a joy. I am going to Harare tomorrow for a few days.

This is a very brief entry as a quick up-date. We dont know whats ahead but for now Tom is peaceful and well.

Mike goes back to Switzerland tomorrow. His visit has been extraordinary.

Jane Soper

So Tony has been rampaging (well, more of a trundle, but then he IS only 10 days away from the National Arts Festival, – his day job) through cyberspace and has managed to fix the comment problem. Photo uploads however are still not permitted as this was how our hacker loser managed to get a grip on the site. Thanks Tony, and thanks to you all for your patience with this technical problem. I’ll advise when pics can be uploaded in due course.

While I’m here I can tell you that I visited Tom last night and connected the laptop so he could read some more comments from the site. He went through all of the ones attached to my post entitled “Staggered”, and was much appreciative of the support from you all.

There is so much content here for him to go through but he will get to it all eventually. Please keep commenting, and if you’d like to contribute anything to the main page just mail me and I will post it for you (within reason!).

Best,

Nick

Its Sunday night, and Father’s Day is coming to an end.  I sent a text earlier to my friend Al saying “what a Father’s Day it has been”.  I arrived back in Joburg on Thursday morning with the girls. The previous night had been so restless as I was so anxious that they would be seeing Tom after 6 and a half weeks.  How would they take it?  This day would be the one day to change their lives forever.  It had been arranged that we would meet a counsellor at 3pm for a brief chat and then see Tom afterward.  My biggest concern was that the other patients needed to be curtained off (as this is an open ICU ward).  Jane made sure this was done as best as possible, and actually as each day passed it became evident that this was not so important.  After the briefing we did the usual cleaning of hands routine and then I guided the girls over to Tom.  His face said it all, so much time had passed and he was just plainly overjoyed to see our girls again.  They were overwhelmed, anxious, frightened, happy, tearful, unsure all in one, but mostly they were so brave and just so relieved to see their Dad.  Tom couldn’t stop asking questions that I translated to the girls (they picked up most of what he was saying themselves) and 40 minutes passed so quickly. 

And so another hurdle, another mountain conquered on this new journey.  And done with the innocence and honesty as only children can.  Yes, you were all right, those who said that the kids would just want to see their Dad. That’s what mattered most to them.  We have been every day at the same time and have had good visits.  Erin especially loves rubbing Tom’s short hair and he loves the physical contact.  They both eeked out the time when I said 2 more minutes till we need to go.  Tomorrow we’ll say goodbye and head back home and I know it will be incredibly sad.  I ask that you remain sensitive to Ciara and Erin and resist asking too many questions about their visit, rather allow them to tell you and if they don’t, then its because its not on their mind at that particular time.  And that’s ok.

I’ll try and give you a medical update as best I can as of today.  There have been no meetings with Dr Moeng as he has been away.  Tom’s breathing is a slow process that seems to go well some days and not so well on others.  The Lung Specialist told Jane and myself today that because of his high C4 C5 injury it will take that much longer.  His diaphragm, confirmed in the scan he had a few days ago, is moving as it should but his right lung is still a concern – damaged from the accident itself and the infections he has had since.  He is being encouraged by the physios to try and breathe deeply to get oxygen and therefore healing to the bottom of his lungs.  He spent 2 days on the wall cpap(the machine that allows him to breath on his own) but then over the following 2 days had various bad experiences with the vent which the doctor has hopefully fixed.  It is incredibly hard to cope with hearing that Tom has been struggling.  That word roller-coaster jumps into my head again.  It is also heart wrenching to hear from Tom that he is mentally low as he also wants to see some progress.  Today he was incredibly tired in all three visits, possibly the medication he is on.  He is also on an antibiotic to combat another infection as his temp was high again.  He his still being seated for a short while in a chair nearly every day if his blood pressure is good.  He finds this quite tiring.  His feeding tube has been removed and although he has lost a lot of weight he is eating and drinking well.

Happy Father’s Day to you men out there with kids!  If I had the power I would declare Happy Friend’s Day and wish you all just that, with so much love and thanks.

Everyday I still wake up and still go to sleep breathing for Tom, in … out … in … out… His breathing is the key to his recovery.

I arrived from Switzerland on Tuesday and have been here since visiting my dear friend Tom. I thought I would share with you some of my experiences…

When I saw Tom for the first time I could not contain my tears, there was no holding them back. They were not sad tears; sometimes your soul needs to show itself and it was through them that it did. I kept needing to touch him – maybe in an effort to connect and pass on all my strength for he was having a tough day that first day; he had not slept well the night before and was looking anxious and distressed. All of this made it an over-whelming, but powerful experience.

I had lunch the next day with Nick Grubb whose calm, empathetic words thankfully found root in me. One thing that he said really struck me and hope he does not mind me paraphrasing it here – ‘This may sound arrogant but amongst our friends there has never been a challenge that we could not meet and overcome and I feel the same about this’ – I thought that was an empowering phrase and quite true too; you just need to look at Tom and Sal’s friends to see this in action. So when I feel a bit down about things this little mantra seems to get me back on track.

Everything started to settle on Wednesday, Tom was looking more relaxed, we had a few laughs, I was less emotional too, the winter sun shone – all good signs for the big day to come, the arrival of Sal and the kids, Erin and Ciara. I am going to let Sal speak about this in detail – my goal on this day was to help ensure it went as smoothly as possible. It did! It was a great day…I visited Tom in the evening and had him to myself and you could see what a boost he had been given. To see his children again was a huge milestone! Tom was also eager to talk about his future and what lay ahead. Without holding too many punches I gave him what I thought the likely path was – the risks, challenges, goals and targets and how they could be met. Over the last few days we have expanded on this and I will talk about this in another post but for now I should say Tom understands and I can see the quiet determination in his eyes preparing to find in himself the greatest of who he is. In many ways I feel this whole event is a call to each of us to find in ourselves the greatest of who we are. I think Nick is right, together we can overcome the challenges that lie ahead.

Jane knows this….but thought I’d share my ramblings with all…..
We both attended Mabelreighn Girls High School back in the early 60′s, and I remember gazing up from the cold hall floor, where we sat cross-legged, at those on the stage; the Headmistress, Miss Turner, and the prefects. Jane was a prefect, and though she was unaware of the fact, I worshipped her from afar!! No…..I never reached that ‘stage’, and it was many years later, when Sal and Tom became engaged that we were re-introduced. I even lent her my precious copies of M.G.H.S. magazines circa 1960 to show her pictures in which she featured, both as a prefect and sportswoman; dizzy heights to which I did not aspire.
Over the years Sal and Tom have been together, Jane and I have shared many lunches and get-togethers and her poise, demeanour and deep beliefs are stronger than ever. A remarkable person. Thank you Jane for those shared moments.
Tom has inherited all those attributes as well as countless others (from Robert?) though I have to add, Tom has no singing ability that I am aware of. David and I consider ourselves so fortunate to have him as our son-in-law.
If ever I need something to read (not often I add) Tom would supply me with a book that seemed just right for the occasion (though I still don’t understand his love for Terry Prachett and his World- I’ll stick to the Hobbits.)
His gentle ways, enthusiasm for life and determination in all fields is evident to all. His concern for others becomes more apparent by the day. Just yesterday, whilst at their house, their maid (Gogo) told me that her daughters school were praying for Tom- he had donated them many books, the Gardener was praying, as was his mother and their church as Tom used to personally deliver them wood logs. They and their friends were all praying for their “Father” (who is half their age)
Dearest Tom…. I still have, and love, my special pewter Xmas Dragon who rides a sleigh loaded with gifts, one of which is a beautiful round crystal. (I’m not sure if that was Tom’s subtle way of perceiving me! Though I hope I am more often the crystal and not the dragon!!)
It’s Fathers Day this Sunday and my greatest hope is that you Tom, will share some of that day with Ciara and Erin (I was touched by Shirley Harrison’s comment of Tom kissing his girls goodbye in the school car park as they headed for their classrooms)
Those girls are his life and we should all hold the family in our hearts, particularly on Sunday. ( And for all the other Dads out there, enjoy your day too.) Even though I’m 60+ my Dad still occupies so much of my heart and mind.
To Tom, you are constantly in our thoughts and prayers, and we DO visualise ‘Golden Light’ going your way from across the miles.
We know you have the fortitude and strength of character to face this awful situation, and am convinced that somehow you will turn it into something positive and meaningful.
So, Tom, whether I’m a dragon or a crystal, I’m still your Mother-in-Law, and love you unreservedly, and to Sally our daughter, you are special and we love you. Dad and I wish we could be with you this weekend.
Happy Fathers Day to all.

Hi,
Dave McComb and George Makings have managed to open a Zimbabwe account for those who want to make donations there. Details of the account are available on the “Donate” page which you can navigate to via the tab above.

Mike Wray is in Joburg and he is overseeing all the financial stuff, with the help of the various trustees. He will give you all an update when he’s had a chance to do a proper look around, but it does seem increasingly likely that funds will be needed for at least some specialised rehabilitative equipment. Please keep the fundraising ideas and donations coming!

I forgot to say that Tom is almost breathing on his own entirely now. The trachy is there in case he gets tired.  We have felt this learning to breathe again process to be very slow, but I am told by doctor friends of Tom’s that, in fact, he has progressed quickly. Being here we follow every minute detail of his progress and we long for him to be able to talk again.  I love Sal’s message of asking all who read here to breathe deeply for and with Tom.

I’d like to write about Tom again because each day I see how remarkable he is in his approach to his new situation. Tom is entirely present now. He no longer has any drips or that ubiquitous (is this the right word!?) feeding tube.  What a relief to have that gone! The only foreign bits now are the trachy and the neck brace, plus various supports on his lower legs. His neck is sore and massaging can only be done around the edges — not very helpful. Sitting in a chair is difficult, I see. Its a strain, but he’s placed there and he holds on for the suggested hour and yesterday he seemed slightly easier. ( A wheelchair person may be lending a better chair).  As well as the physical difficulty of this position for Tom at present, being up sharply underlines his inability to move  — no easy ways out.  And this beautiful man of 37 , our beloved, has such courage and fortitude with this unimagineable loss of movement and feeling in almost all of his body, it takes my breath away. It seems to me this courage covers not only braveness, but also sorrow, anxiety and fear, uncertainty, and times of panic and despair.

I honour you Tom Soper.  I honour Sally. It seems to me you have the love and openness to be with it all, in whatever way is needed on this incredibly difficult path.

Jane Soper, mother