This web site was set up 10 months ago to keep you all updated with Tom’s progress in hospital after his horrific accident.  I’m not sure if 10 months is a long time or if it was just yesterday.  Since Tom has come home our lives have changed drastically.  Life has done a 360 degree about turn.  Things that seemed so important before that horrible day don’t even enter my thoughts anymore so obviously they weren’t that a big deal then.  My role as a parent which seemed so defined before, has grown enormously.  I never used to swim with the girls, ride around the block with them, run cross country with them, now I do and I see their joy.  That’s important. For me this website was an outlet for my feelings and fears.  I would still like it to be.  As I’ve said before I don’t know who, while reading it, discards my comments, who gains from them, or who understands them.   Some of my thoughts I just can’t put down in words and some I don’t want anyone to know anyway.  Most of the time I am just being. I keep busy, I work, I’m a parent, I ride, I cry and I cry, I breath and I question.

I have been wanting to write a post about Tom’s life since he has been home but life has got in the way!  This weekend I have promised myself to get this out.  So here it is.

Christmas was a new kind of perfect.  As always the girls woke up early and ran through to the lounge to get their stockings off the fireplace.  They brought them to Tom’s bedside and sat on the bed and emptied them with that wonderful childish excitement.  We then waited for Tom to get up and into his chair (it takes from half an hour to an hour, this time is incredibly frustrating for Tom and perhaps with practice will get quicker), before the girls dived under the lit tree.  I found this whole experience so intensely moving and sobbed my heart out when Ciara (newly appointed the one to dish out the booty) handed me my present from Tom.  3 canvas pictures, one of each of the girls and one of the two of us.  Wow what an overwhelming feeling came over me, I’m not sure what it was but I suppose I hadn’t been expecting anything and then seeing us all together still doing what we did last Christmas with a few permanent changes it all just came flooding out.  I also feel the weeks leading up to xmas played a big part, our house had been turned up side down, so many new people had been in and out, some now living with us on a weekly rota, privacy is something of the past.  Our veranda is constantly teaming.  The regulars now know that if they want a cup of tea or a toot, they know where the cups are and where the bar fridge is.  And while you’re there, I’ll have one too! 

 Xmas lunch was under the tree with family, pulling crackers open with our mouths.  It was a beautiful day getting hotter and hotter as the afternoon progressed.  Usually Tom would have been in the pool with the girls for hours.  So we all donned our swimming costumes and laid Tom on a sheet, 6 of us picked him up and nervously stepped into the pool.  We then placed 3 “noodles” under Toms’ neck, chest and knees to see if he would float.  All of us, so frightened he would sink like a stone, didn’t let go until through fits of giggles Tom insisted.  He floated!  Watching him put his head back, close his eyes and let the water wash over his face was precious.  A moment I’ve engraved in my memory.  I can’t imagine how foreign it must have felt.  He said it was so strange seeing his body submerged in water and not feeling anything but the sensation of water over his face was wonderful.  For a few seconds I think he was lost and safe in that water. Far far away.

Tom’s power wheel chair arrived in late November, a huge difference to his independence.  It’s operated by his chin.  He also uses it to stand up in twice a day to get a different perspective on his surroundings but more importantly for pressure relief and improved bone density. His van (the ET!) has also arrived with a hydraulic lift at the back which he can drive onto and up into the back make car trips a lot easier although he dislikes them intensely.  The design of his wheelchair means the suspension is very sensitive and so every bump, and pothole is felt with intensity and pain.  He is strapped in at 4 points on the base of the wheelchair and then across his chest so he certainly is not going anywhere fast. 

We saw the New Year with old friends which was wonderful.  Lots of laughs.  It still amazes me watching men with Tom.  A kiss on the forehead is now a comfortable greeting, some are so happy to stand next to him and give him a beer, others massage his neck.  The woman will wipe his face with a cool face cloth when he is hot or cut his fingernails when that time is overdue!  My goddaughter Cams insists that she will feed him and will rub his head for ages even while her friends are swimming. Tom spoke to Ciara and Erin’s class soon after he arrived back and I have had many of the parents of those girls express the positive impact it has had on them.  Thank you for your feedback.  This is all so new for us all as a family and we have no recipe to follow.

I woke up the other night and my right arm from my elbow down to my hand was “dead” – fast asleep.  I lifted it up and looked at it.  It was not my arm.  I touched it with my other hand and I felt nothing.  It didn’t even feel like somebody else’s arm.  It was a frightening few moments, something I have felt many times before but always knowing that in a few seconds I’d get pins and needles and the feeling would slowly return.  This time I just stared, petrified.  This is something of what Tom must experience.  It was horrible.

Tom has a bad pressure sore at the moment and has spent most of the past 2 weeks in bed being turned from one side to the next so as not to put too much pressure on his behind.  Pressure sores can become extremely dangerous and can lead to complications so it is something that we need to be very aware of.  It was checked again on Friday and found to be infected and not healing so Tom is on antibiotics and still in bed.  I know when I am feeling sick and have to stay in bed, the most I can do is a morning.  This has really made Tom quite low and sad.  Working on a laptop looking at it sideways is unpleasant, drinking tea sideways isn’t that much fun. But he still inspires me at his patience and grace.  All he wanted to do the other night was give me a hug.  But he can’t.  Its hard.  We keep breathing deep breaths.