Tom Soper » Tom

relate?

Tom — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 19:57:31 +0000

Someone shares an experience or emotion of woe followed by a slight pause, a pause full of expectation, hope. The eyes spill out: “Come and share this with me, come and relate to my experience, come help, tell me you understand, come and validate..

Against this, I am eager, baited with bated breath. Driven consciously by a desire to set things right (and likely by an unconscious desire to solidify an experience that validates myself, gives me some credit) I want to participate, I want my imagination to leap in, I want a bond of understanding to develop. Where possible, I want to advise with wisdom, redirect the future to the benefit of all, drive off all anger, anxiety, jealousy, denial.

Convinced that I have “Put myself in their shoes”, I dive right in, dish out my own (more often than not self-untested) philosophies, conclusions and judgments in abundance. I recollect from somewhere that a person “walks” 1,000,000 miles and to fully relate to their experience, you would need to walk each step with them. Nevertheless, with undiminished ego, I plunge into the next opportunity to “relate”.

I find myself reflecting on this today in the midst of a relationship calamity which is not only on my doorstep, but very much in my heart. It seems that from the distant verge of my understanding (where I try to incorporate pieced-together snippets of my own experience/imagination), I am about as helpless as I can be. Logic (and my psychologist) tells me that I can validate (and help?) merely by listening, by hearing, by loving. Easier said than done- applying slippery judgments in the name of love in today’s society has never been easier. So easily justified and yet so invisibly harmful.

I cannot relate fully. And yet I am saddened by the sadness of others. And in this paradox, I realize that I am human, and that I have to accept that, and that others are human too, and that replacing judgments/advice with acceptance may permeate into compassion and healing.

to be or not to be

Tom — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 19:14:11 +0000

there is so much to learn within ourselves. About others. From others, about ourselves. And, whether by design or not, there seem to be natural teachers randomly scattered around the world, drawing energy from experience and karma and offering it unselfishly to those curious or mindful or lucky enough to be passing by or leaning in. One such precious teacher has a blog site (http://lindseleanor.blogspot.com/) which I find myself returning to for my own personal growth of courage and conviction as well as a host of wisdom and insight from an individual honest enough with herself not to be ruled by a somewhat disillusioned society. Check out her post “to be or not to be-that is the question” which in a far more articulate way, captured a lot of what I was trying to say in my last post. If you like this, and you are feeling that you may have lost your faith (in whatever..) then move on to “redemption song”,and see how truth and honesty can return your soul to its rightful state..

Pass

Tom — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 08:51:17 +0000

For most it seems okay, if not preferable, to pass on opportunities that may involve dabbling beyond perceived levels of comfort or participating in something that may threaten their sense of security, whether from a safety or materialistic point of view. I used to be firmly entrenched in this category. Now it drives me nuts – these opportunities (whether or not disguised as “out of reach” challenges or tasks that may involve responsibly helping others at the risk of some personal sacrifice) seem more visible and numerous than ever since my trauma. It is so clear in my mind that these opportunities, if taken, are what form the essence of self-worth. And, probably more importantly, real compassion. Every single one that goes by, is an opportunity missed. A chance to improve on understanding ourselves beyond our trivial distractions, and actually make a difference.

What drives me nuts is this:- the majority of these opportunities require some physical aptitude. The paradox that clarity came after disability is frustrating. This may sound a little deafeatist but I don’t think it is-my point here is not that I cannot grab-or even create-my own opportunities (I am doing this albeit at a sub-target pace) but that most people do not have “trauma-clarity” and are passing up on a means to get humanity back on track.

So, next time (you can start with once a day) you have a whiff of an opportunity, let it linger long enough to stir up the consciousness of its potential benefits. Then, follow-through.

Kingfisher

Tom — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 11:44:56 +0000

yesterday, a hooded Kingfisher made a regal appearance

in our pepper tree,

staring at us, as if we had no business in its territory!

Then, showing us who is boss, it dived amongst our pair of Heughlin robins

claimed their patch,

and gave us a royal display of substituting fish with grasshoppers.

I welcomed this display

of adaptation.

become a tortoise for a morning

Tom — Mon, 16 May 2011 19:00:06 +0000

I slowed down today. Stuck my wheelchair on its slowest speed for the morning. Although I didn’t go around much, the result was astounding. A quantum leap in observation. I noticed pot plants in my office that I didn’t know I had, mannerisms in other people jumped out at me. The world seemed to move in quick time around me. My thought processes seemed clearer, my priorities realigned. I felt more efficient.

The tortoise against the hare.

try it.

return to where you are

Tom — Sat, 26 Mar 2011 18:34:31 +0000

As Donal (an Irish Buddhist teacher) articulated quite beautifully this Friday, most of us are on some quest for the truth (when we are not too busy feeding our habitual patterns). We are looking for something beyond our suffering and discontentment. We have an intimation of something “other” just beyond our grasp. Most of us do not find it. We are looking in the wrong place.

The “truth” is in the ground and background of your life. Looking elsewhere is merely fooling yourself. The meaning of life is right here, and all the while, we seek arrival in a complex web of ideals and fantasies.

Return to where you are.

I may post a mixture of sad and self-revelational experiences to this website. This is the way it is. Somehow, I am sorting through it all, and I’m confident that I’m getting closer to the essence of this paradox that we call existence.

Roadblock

Tom — Sat, 26 Mar 2011 18:32:59 +0000

grass burning under the turning msasa’ s

golf and cycling conversations-

contributions from memory drying up

90% of what I say is an instruction or request

I can do nothing

but reinvent experience

sadness reflected in my partners’ eyes

my helplessness extends its ugly arm and I cannot console her

a compulsory retreat.

feeling detached

Tom — Thu, 17 Mar 2011 19:55:33 +0000

Feeling detached- it’s no wonder, my risk taking capabilities are muted. It’s difficult to find passion in this space. And I seem to be surrounded by reminders of how unfair life can be. I keep making promises to which deliverance hangs, like a carrot on a stick, in the just unreachable future.

I need a tonic.

it’s alright

Tom — Sun, 13 Feb 2011 13:00:32 +0000

“I awoke once during the night. I pushed the canopy side and looked out. The moon was a sharply defined crescent and the sky was perfectly clear. The stars shone with such fierce, contained brilliance that it seemed absurd to call the night dark. The sea lay quietly, bathed in a shy, light-footed light, a dancing play of black and silver that extended without limits all about me. The volume of things was confounding- the volume of air above me, the volume of water around and beneath me. I was half moved, half terrified. For the first time I noticed- as I would notice repeatedly during my ordeal, between one throe of agony and the next-that’s my suffering was taking place in a grand setting. I saw my suffering for what it was, finite and insignificant, and I was still. My suffering did not fit anywhere, I realized. And I could accept this. It was alright”

extract from Life of Pi – Yann Martel

too hard

Tom — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 19:04:58 +0000

This morning, in no particular context, I made a mental note that I am working too hard. I then made an observation- that with only intermittent intention to do otherwise, this would probably not change. My mind then instantly raced on to my schedule that lay ahead and how I was going to tackle the various work challenges of the day. All this happened in the space of a couple of minutes.

Now, at this present moment, I realize that I keep myself busy not just at work but all the time. What am I distracting myself from? And why? An obvious answer flits into my head- I am trying to avoid the stone cold reality of paralysis. After some consideration I am forced to abandon this simple and convenient explanation. I have always done this. Being busy is my thing. Hmmm.

I have choices (surprisingly many when I think about it). But sometimes I get a faint background feeling that I exercise my choices from a peripheral space in my mind that is not that well informed. A murky area, silted. Sometimes, briefly, the silt settles and then… I make a mental note that I am working too hard. Then my mind quickly shakes itself up again, and I accept another responsibility, plan another meeting. Hmmm.

I enjoy what I do. It is mentally stimulating, facilitates human interaction, provides financial security, benefits others. It also passes time.

Passes time. And avoids too much introspection. Could it be that I am trying to avoid something? is this something that is just happening to me?

Your thoughts?