I do want to write a post.  I do write one nearly every day, I just don’t make it public.  It was a lot easier to express my thoughts, my anger, my sadness, my emotions, when Tom was in hospital and soon after he came home.  Now it is so hard.  I think I know why.   I moved from surviving to existing.  And I think existing is harder to express.

My emotions still wreak havoc at the most inappropriate times, and its harder now than before because I had the top excuse then!  My memory is so shot – a severe side effect of a trauma, I have since learnt, but it’s hard to explain that all the time, and tedious.  I seem to have lost the ability to “care” about trivial things – still not sure if this is not such a bad thing, but it’s a big change for me.  I have this thought process that occurs in lightening speed when a tricky situation is presented to me – “go for it – you may not be able to do it tomorrow”.  It’s almost obsessive.  My house is a tip – s0mething you would never have seen before, but now seems so minor in the scheme of things.

Golly so much has happened, so much.  I visited a very special friend in ICU a while ago and had to almost literally pull myself out of my body and push myself through the doors, PTSD hitting me like that trusty cricket bat used to in the first few months.  The thing that got me the most was the telephone at the nurses station had the same ring tone.

I was riding the other day and could see in the distance a vehicle recently smashed up.  Cricket bat to the chest again.

Tom phoned today to say that he was feeling alot better after a nasty cold.  Remember he can’t cough and we have to physically push his chest at the same time as he forces air out of his mouth.  He mentioned the word pneumonia.  Tears. Cricket bat. Chest.  Now when Tom was in hospital it would have been easy for me to say that pneumonia is probably what would have killed him.  Now I can’t say it.  Or did I just?

Christmas came and went, emotionally, I wrapped all the presents, alone late at night,tipped toed around, made sure Father Xmas was fed and beered, something Tom and I used to giggle together doing.

New Years was a scream, spent with our closest friends.  We made it till just before sun rise!  Loads of laughing and banter.  Wow a simple hug from Tom would have made it perfection.  Bloody cricket bat!

Tom has had his birthday.  What the hell do you buy?  Lots of cheese and wine wrapped up in a basket!  But spent with wonderful people.  I still get choked up when I see the men kissing Tom’s forehead – the new hand shake.

Tom and Ciara play chess on his iPad for hours and he is now teaching a bunch of girls at their school how to play one afternoon a week.  No cricket bat here…… just awe.

I do want to write a proper post.. And I will.  And I’ll put pictures.

“I awoke once during the night. I pushed the canopy side and looked out. The moon was a sharply defined crescent and the sky was perfectly clear. The stars shone with such fierce, contained brilliance that it seemed absurd to call the night dark. The sea lay quietly, bathed in a shy, light-footed light, a dancing play of black and silver that extended without limits all about me. The volume of things was confounding- the volume of air above me, the volume of water around and beneath me. I was half moved, half terrified. For the first time I noticed- as I would notice repeatedly during my ordeal, between one throe of agony and the next-that’s my suffering was taking place in a grand setting. I saw my suffering for what it was, finite and insignificant, and I was still. My suffering did not fit anywhere, I realized. And I could accept this. It was alright”

extract from  Life of Pi – Yann Martel

This morning, in no particular context, I made a mental note that I am working too hard. I then made an observation- that with only intermittent intention to do otherwise, this would probably not change. My mind then instantly raced on to my schedule that lay ahead and how I was going to tackle the various work challenges of the day. All this happened in the space of a couple of minutes.

Now, at this present moment, I realize that I keep myself busy not just at work but all the time. What am I distracting myself from? And why? An obvious answer flits into my head- I am trying to avoid the stone cold reality of paralysis. After some consideration I am forced to abandon this simple and convenient explanation. I have always done this. Being busy is my thing. Hmmm.

I have choices (surprisingly many when I think about it). But sometimes I get a faint background feeling that I exercise my choices from a peripheral space in my mind that is not that well informed. A murky area, silted. Sometimes, briefly, the silt settles and then… I make a mental note that I am working too hard. Then my mind quickly shakes itself up again, and I accept another responsibility, plan another meeting. Hmmm.

I enjoy what I do. It is mentally stimulating, facilitates human interaction, provides financial security, benefits others. It also passes time.

Passes time. And avoids too much introspection. Could it be that I am trying to avoid something? is this something that is just happening to me?

Your thoughts?

“Inspiration is the cradle of evolution for your soul” – Mike Wray

And some online definitions of inspiration-

“arousal of the mind to special unusual activity or creativity”

“guidance or influence exerted directly on the mind and soul of humankind.”

“The act of drawing in, especially the inhalation of air into the lungs”

definitions aside, I requested your input (lots of replies- some flattering, some insightful, some thought provoking, all gratefully received), because I had the feeling that there is something here that we can use. Regardless of the catalyst that triggers it, what a great opportunity to exert influence on our minds and souls! An ingredient for recognition of our potential, motivation to be mindful, to cultivate clarity.

I do not have the power to create emotions or energy within you. Inspiration comes from you. Your mind combines various memories, conditional thought patterns, perceptions of morals and suffering, etc, and something within you is aroused. Use this as a filter to sieve all the unnecessary crap out of your lives, to recognize the value of simply being in the moment.

I went to a talk by Rob Nairn (mindfulness guru) talk this week and he pointed out something interesting – that lasting joy and peace (the essential ingredients of happiness) are not contrived conditions. They cannot be attained by grasping at desired emotions or preferred states; they exist naturally in abundance within each one of us and the best way for us to access these is to “stop doing things that make us unhappy”. This guy inspires me. And I intend to fully use this as ammo in my personal revolution for awareness.

So, do not sit back and think wow, look at how gracefully Tom is managing his condition, how poetically and candidly Sally expresses herself, how bravely those in hardship wade on with their burdens.

Inhale, and get on with it..

I have to admit that I do soak it up

all this attention, filling the gaps created by numerous siblings

I am selfish, loathing selfishness all the while.

The very message that I evangelistically holler

is tainted by an underlying guilt

that I am not practicing

merely relying on the pedestal

of my condition.

My mind cleverly swerves away

from bouts of hypocrisy

defending “itself” with sound argument

that carefully pollutes fact

with a mist of self worth

Life flickers by

and we reflect on energy wasted

each day resolving to “seize tomorrow”

to be more real

to understand the mysteries that prompt us, and those that fail us

has hindsight really any benefit?

The only thing mysterious here

is our current perspective

a myriad of preferences and defences

tomorrow I will wake up

and seize today.

Lots of people have said to me  how inspiring I am. Most of the time I think – This is great- I can be inspiring without even trying! What a pleasure to make a difference. Perhaps there’s some good in my situation after all. Recently I have been reflecting on this and I have come up with a theory on inspiration which I would like to test. To do this, I request your participation (open to only those who think I am inspiring!). The question is this – what do you find inspiring?

I would seriously like you to give this a lot of reflection and e-mail me on tom@redan.co.zw your thoughts and ideas, even if (especially if), you do not find much there. Personalize this. Please do not post them on this blog.

Appreciate your assistance. I will follow up with a post on inspiration.

Tom

PS. I am not on an ego boosting mission here! I just think there might be something to be learned..

What is it-this hope thing? It’s not tangible. You can’t just buy it on the shelves. Even if you could, you couldn’t hang your hat on it. That’s for sure.

There might be circumstances where Hope may be useful. Perhaps if you are in a country ruled by a dictator, hope might be a useful tool for collective action. Maybe. It seems to me though that it is the action thatspicegenerally produces the result. I certainly hope that my 2 daughters turn out to be respectable young woman who can find real happiness and live a wholesome life in an honest and open way. It is how I bring them up, and how they conduct themselves however that will make this a reality or not. Action.

Hope is a feeling. Feelings are important, no question. But be careful not to solidify it, rely on it. Once you cross this line, hope has a nasty habit of letting you down.

Those of you who don’t know me, may think that there may be some self-pity emerging here; that I might be harboring some secret hope to walk again (it’s interesting how people think that this is my goal. Just for your information, walking is the last thing on my mind. A movement in my hand however, now that would be something!), and that I’m disappointed that this hope has not turned out  anything thus far. Not so. I have, or I’m in the process of, coming to terms with my condition and how it affects both me and those around me. I did not lie in the ICU for the 6 months thinking, “as long as I have hope”, I will get back to my family. I went about the business of focusing on my reality of the moment. I did not have any choice! I could not simply deny the that I was dueling with death. I might have just been lying there, but let me tell you, my mind, my consciousness, my dreams, my questions have never been so active.

So why the topic? I think it is important that we, as a human race get to grips with the real essence of our realities. It does not take much reflection to realize that we really have fooled ourselves and live in a fantasy world of our own making. Unfortunately, it is the step that takes us from our daily existence of imposed conditions and habitual patterns, to doing some form of reflection that is so difficult. That, I think is where I have an advantage. Trauma has its benefits after all.

I think that whilst useful as triggers, things like hope, faith, positive thinking in the commercial fashion with which we employ them only serve to create a false veneer on life. We really have fooled ourselves and live in a fantasy world of our own making. We have allowed our society to use these 3 feelings/attributes as advertising, to entice for commercial or religious gain. What wonderful marketing tools! Made wonderful by this niggling feeling at the back of our minds, our very consciousness, that there is more to this existence than how we are experiencing it.

How many times have I heard that God will make me walk again? That all I must do is have faith? It is not my place to debate the existence of God. Who knows? if I had more faith perhaps God would make me walk again (or move one or 2 of my fingers..). I find myself in the difficult position of being asked to flick a belief switch for the mere sake of physical convenience. If some divine miracle were to happen, I would surely be grateful, but I think right now what I am trying to do is to peel open my veneer of ignorance and have a look at what is really here. I hope to discover truth, limitless compassion, a real clarity, and even God. I have the same niggling feeling and I want to do something about it. There is little doubt in my mind, that I have already made some headway, that there is a great energy at play. My intuition is that the answer (s) lie within each one of us (and possibly in the very definition of who we are) and therefore my path is self-discovery as opposed to faith leaps based on conditional paths.

Now don’t get me wrong. I have not lost respect for hope, faith or positive thinking. I am merely trying to gain insight into my existence. I am very confident that I can then use these triggers to action (or non-action as the case may be) to move from a space of understanding to a more enriched spiritual experience.

That’s enough for today.

Tom

I have just read what I have written and wanted to add that I am not advocating abandoning hope, losing faith or thinking negatively.. I am merely suggesting that we look at, and come to terms with, what is here currently rather than fool ourselves that these 3 are a solution in isolation. we stop doing for a while, and just be.

It’s funny how there is always a mad rush at the end of each year-first at work, then socially. It’s as though everyone is trying to complete something (before it’s too late?), use up familiar time, expend energies, have that last cigarette, before diving into a fresh start, new years resolutions, renewed intentions. Come the 2nd week of January, realisation will dawn on most of us that the mere ticking off the clock does not, on its own, create insights, change habits or alter attitudes. I have therefore decided to try and slow down and reflect in the last few days of this year. Within the completing of deadlines at work, within the social obligations and family time that Christmas brings, within the space and time of the wedding, reunions , dinners, Christmas lunch, concert and New Year’s party that are on. Yes, I have and I will continue to slow down and reflect on the relationships with those around me. With myself. You know what? It actually makes things more interesting. It doesn’t mean doing less, more a kind of less doing. It feels more real.

The year has had a few ups and lots of downs. Disease and death have shown their ugly hand, sweeping with random merciless abandon. Is it just me, or does there seem to be some kind of cruel culling process going on? I have looked around for some sense of justice in the world, but found nothing. I have been down the road of positive thinking, trying foolishly to ignore the gaping potholes and feeling all the more rattled when I hit one. Please don’t get me wrong-I am not referring to my own situation (actually, I have settled into the life of quadriplegia quite well all things considered). There just seem to have been more than usual cancers, accidents, unnecessary incidents this year. I have tried hope and faith, to no avail. What is going on here?

The human condition. That’s what. We are vulnerable not omnipotent. We’re not designed for perfection, in fact this is a self taught notion imposed upon us almost at birth. We look for happiness in all the wrong areas. We ignore our own minds and generate habits that conceal our real identities but promote those we think will get the popular vote. We try to suppress sadness and pain whilst trying to grab on to joy and good living. We set ourselves up for suffering and have no idea that we are doing this. It’s incredulous.

But is there any way to deal with the major crap that is going on? I am all ears. My chosen path – unconditional acceptance – an acceptance of the way things are, the human condition, an untinkered-with recognition of all of our layers of conditioning. This path is fraught with danger, paradox. Accepting pain and sadness and all other negative emotions does not lessen their impact. However, it does go some way in understanding our human condition. It also shortens the suffering cycle. I am led to believe that more practice will lead to more insight into the true nature of things. I am led to believe that there is great potential, great energy beyond our ignorance. I will keep you posted on this. Watch this space. In the meantime, I am still all ears. Slow down, reflect, and see if you can spot something, anything…

Gloom aside, the Soper’s are having a great Christmas. Lots of friends around and looking forward to a family lunch at George and Anne’s. We will raise a glass (probably more than one, in fact I’d say quite a few..) to you all.

Special thoughts to all those living with the injustices of this year.

Merry Christmas

Tom

one day, a monk living in the mountains came across a savage bear. He turned and fled with the bear in hot pursuit. Unfortunately, the path on which he was fleeing ran straight to the edge of a cliff and he soon found himself in space with a 400 meter drop below him onto sharp rocks below. Just as he started to plummet, he grabbed onto a vine and ended up hanging about 3 m below the pacing bear and 397 m above certain death. Hanging there, he noticed a beautiful flower growing on the side of the cliff face. “What a perfectly beautiful flower” he thought.

I just told this story to my 2 daughters and asked them what they thought the moral of the story was. “Monks shouldn’t live in the mountains” came the sensible reply.  it never seizes to amaze me how much I learn from my children. They are so unconditioned. they have not yet been layered with all the stuff that we adults wish we could unlearn. one of the benefits of my condition, is the fact that I now spend a lot more time with my girls.

Yes, it has been over a year now since I got back to Zimbabwe. I cannot say that it has flown by, but I have had a chance to observe some beautiful flowers along the way. I love my family, my friends, my work. My parents have returned from the UK. our trip to Mozambique was great. Silly season has begun. The rains are here.

my 2011 goal is to do some motivational speaking. I will start writing some material over the shutdown and I may use this blog to get some constructive criticism..

thank you for your comments to Sally’s posts. She doesn’t usually leave that much for me to say, but I don’t mind-she gets the message across much better than me!

party hard  but be safe.

Tom