Tom Soper

Tara Ralphs organised a squash tournament at the Highlands Sports Club this weekend to raise money for Tom.  She rallied a great bunch of people and auctioned off the couples on Friday night at the pub.  They played all of Saturday and gathered afterwards for the prize giving and an incredible dinner.  Tom and I “walked” down to the club last night to be a part of it for a while.  The club is not far from our house and it is easier to just walk/wheel down the road than to load Tom up in the van and harness him in.  This bunch of amazing squash players, many Tom knows and has played against when he was a member, raised a substantial amount of money which more than covered the cost of a reclining massage chair that was brought up from South Africa with the idea of promoting blood circulation and muscle work out for Tom.  (I have also sat on the chair, many times… and feel the purchase was a good one!)

Highlands Sports Club is a special place for Tom, he visits it often with the girls almost every weekend.  They walk down together and spend time on the courts, rollerblading or hitting tennis balls, while Tom urges them on.  They will continue to pop in for sure. 

A special mention to the Bowls Section, who independently added to the total amount raised.  And because of the Bowlers the Club is wheelchair friendly so access is great.  All the ramps are used for their trolleys and now Tom!

I have a moment to sit here at last and start a post that I have been writing in my head for a few weeks.  Our house has been a stop on a train line since Tom got home.  An incredible amount of our friends and Tom’s work collegues have spent a great deal of time on the verander, drinking tea, sipping beer, flipping charts, strategizing…….  The gate bell chimes and the phone rings constantly.  It’s tiring but it’s so good to be surrounded by all these people.  What has struck me the most and has squashed my biggest fear is that they all treat Tom as Tom.  With some people I see apprehension when they first meet Tom after such a long time, I have no idea of their expectation, but the air is soon relaxed and the conversation flows.  Some people dive right in and enquire about Tom’s situation, he replies very factually.  It’s something we have spoken about and we feel that knowlege is the best way forward and it keeps everything honest and out there.  There are some questions though, that I get asked, that are very personal and those ones I battle with.  It’s a tough one for me to work through but Tom and I are still a couple, with 2 children and we have a life to live.  It will be a very different life to the one we had 8 months ago but we still require an element of privacy, as does every one.   I see how hard it is for those people who used to do something active with Tom, its kind of awkward.  I see people avoid us because I imagine they just don’t know what to say or how to be.  I see men kiss Tom, rub his head, squeeze his shoulder, hold his hand and I’m grateful for the body contact they give.  I see tears held back and deep breaths taken.  What I’ve learnt is that there is no right way to behave but just to be honest.

People enquire about how I am doing and I also reply truthfully.  Sometimes I am ok, my day has been busy with work or kids or house chores. Sometimes I am so emotionally exhausted I can’t even think.  Sometimes I am flat and numb and it feels like I am just existing.  This is the time that frightens me the most as I wonder if this is how the future will be………  existing by just getting through the day.  Then there are moments of pure amazement and realisation of the meaning of love and family.  I caught Tom unawares the other night, alone, looking at the sparkling Christmas tree and I was overcome by a calmness that he was still with us and that my girls get to kiss their Daddy on Christmas morning.  Is that what this is all about?  At that moment is was the only thing.  And then another day starts. 

Every day I plan on writing a post that will be a list of thanks, but each day it gets bigger and bigger and I worry I will leave someone off.  One day I will do it, I want to.  But for now I’d like to blow a kiss to everyone this Christmas, wherever you may be.  Be with someone you want to be with, if only for a moment and take a deep breath. Together.

Silly season is well and truly amongst us. I lay up last night thinking that we should send out a newsletter for 2009 together with season greetings. I then realized that it’s all here anyway, right on this website. Or at least the last seven months of it is. The beginning of the year was characterized by various cycling events including an awesome Sani-2c and a blustery Argus. With this in mind, I would like to make mention of my latest acquisition-an exercise bike! With a portion of the funding raised, your Christmas present to me is an electrical stimulation bicycle that will allow me to get back into one of my passions in life whilst assisting my bone density, joint integrity and general fitness.

On the topic of spending money raised, you may be interested to note that I have identified three disadvantaged children whom Tom’s discretionary fund will be putting through school next year [school fees, uniforms, books, nutrition etc.]. I am hoping to have pictures and the full story up on the website by January, but thanks to Ryan Wiberly and the Humber crew who specifically requested that their funds be put to a charitable cause. More welcome of course!

It’s great to be home in Zimbabwe. I have been back one month already and time seems to be flying. Routines are gradually beginning to emerge, and I am back  into the swing of things at work. I have been inundated with visitors, made several public outings and got really well set up at home with regards to computing and communicating with the world [on Skype]. Best of all however, is being with my family!

For 2010, I offer you the same advice that I’m taking myself – to simply be as aware as possible of each moment. The clarity and appreciation of things exactly as they are might astonish you. In addition, I would like to borrow a phrase from one of Mary Oliver’s poems -

“for how long will you continue to listen to those dark shouters, caution and prudence? Fall in! Fall in!”

Finally some thank yous – to the organizers and participants of the croquet day in Johannesburg, the Cape Town walk and of course, the Humber (hilarity!) challenge right here in Zimbabwe. You guys are really great.

Have a fantastic Christmas!

Tom

It had become a tradition between Tom and myself that when ever we travelled, we would buy each other a bottle of scotch that we had never tried before. Whilst these were gifts to each other, it was understood that we would never try a new scotch with out one another. When I visited Tom in Johannesburg, I would constantly remind him of the stock that awaited us back in Harare, it was against this backdrop that I selfishly looked forward to coming home with Tom. Well that did not pan out as planned. However I am now home and whilst it took twelve days longer to get round to Tom’s house, just being in a position to sit in the garden with a truly special friend was a memory that I will always cling too. And yes that single malt “Ian Macleod’s Smokehead” tasted so sweet.

I am home and on the mend, with a serious bout of cabin fever starting to set in. I would just like to use this opportunity of thanking all of those who visited me in hospital as well as those who sent me well wishes from all over the world. Special thanks to Alison my amazing wife, who has kept a level head and ensured that I take it easy. Lance my little brother for dropping everything and coming to collect me in Johannesburg. Sally who without hesitation, and in the middle of one of the most emotional times of her life, found time to comfort Alison while I was in ICU. Tom for being so patient and waiting for that drink. Ant Gibbs my partner for taking over my job. Last but by no means least and in no order of priority the rest of the team I was riding with Ant, Mark, Wendy, Nikki and Brenda sorry for the poor times.

Tom the next round is on you.

Bren

What a fun day!!………

Final attendance count was bang on 50 people, although admittedly a couple of those were a little small to play Croquet. Country Club were absolutely brilliant and set aside two Croquet pitches for us. Tom, you would have been disappointed to learn that some of the more ‘creative’ rules have been removed from the game, and as a result no balls were sent to disrupt those on the cricket pitch or the kiddies party that was taking place. Our two local experts, Victor & John, were loaned to us from the club for the day and were great at helping us all learn the new international rules. Despite their instruction things did become somewhat ‘competitive’ in a number of games.

The beers went down superbly in the baking Highveld sun, and miraculously we were spared a downpour. The Club produced some great snacks and fillet rolls that were devoured by those who were able to stay on. I have attached a couple of photos to the posting, which will hopefully give you an idea of how the day went.

Thanks to all of you who made it and those who generously paid and made donations even though they couldn’t…

Today in South Africa is Heritage day or better known as National Braai Day.  What made this day even greater was Tom’s FIRST OUTING!!!!! Myself, Gary and Nicky Futter bundled (and I mean bundled, as we are not as skilled as the Rehab Team) Tom into the front of a sedan car and travelled 9.8km to the Futter’s house for a braai.  I could just see Tom drinking in the scenery, watching the trees go by, the clouds, the blue sky, the people walking, the cars.  Matt and Hayley – the Futter’s kids were a great help, Matt desperate to give Tom his lunch and Hayley happy to fetch a beer (!!!!) from the fridge for him.  2 beers was his quota and they went down “singing hymns”.

Tom has come so far in the last few weeks.  He fills his day with gym sessions, mastering the demo electric wheelchair, meeting with various wheelchair salesmen, and desperately and patiently he endeavours to master “The Dragon”.  This is the voice recognition software, called Dragon Naturally Speaking, that has been loaded onto his laptop.  At the moment it enables him to switch between applications, write documents, send emails, type messages on skype and move the mouse around the screen.  It has some hitches as it gets use to his voice but this should come in time.  The application he is desperate to master is Excel.

His breathing continues to be good and his lungs have been clear for a while.  He’s eating well and has put on a few kgs but is still lighter than me!  He can now sit most of the day in the wheelchair with few blood pressure issues.  Every now and then someone will need to lift his legs to get the blood pumping again.  If we don’t catch it in time he goes grey and passes out.  But this has got less and less over time - ruthless encouragement from Mel and Michelle!  His bald head, shaved in appreciation of everyone who has walked for him around the world, is slowly sprouting hair.  Hooray!

It’ll be my last day with him tomorrow for a while as Rob, Tom’s Dad and Gretta his twin sister arrive for 2 weeks.  I will take the opportunity to stay at home with the girls, who took my departure so hard this time round, and get busy adapting the house and finding a carer.  My emotions still run amock and at the most inappropraite times, I find.  I’ve said it before, the reality hits me in the back of my head like a cricket bat and I literally have to shake it out, take some deep breaths and just let it be.  I keep seeing how Tom is dealing with this and its humbling.  At lunch today Nicky said something very thought provoking and had I heard it 21 weeks ago I probably would have found it hard to do.  Make a Gratitude List of 25 things and then each day add 5 more things to that list.  One of those things on my list today was…  ”I am grateful to scratch that itch”.  

Another was “I am grateful for this day with my husband”.

(posted for Ross McAdam)

We woke early on Sunday to a glorious spring morning with the birds in full song, blue sky, no wind but a slight chill in the air. A perfect day for running and walking. We knew it was going to be a great day and even the very late running train and trams could not put a damper on our high. We were thinking and breathing Tom.

29,722 people entered the City to Bay run and you could feel the energy around you. Tom’s mate ‘Bob’ continued his Australian tour and several others who had only met Tom once or not at all were ‘Doing it for Tom’. When I started to think “This hurts and why is it called a fun run?” It was thinking of and breathing Tom that gave me the strength to pick up my pace and enjoy the atmosphere.

We rounded off the morning with a picnic in the sun by the sea, surrounded by friends and family all sending love and strength across the ocean to Tom, Sal and the girls.

What a fantastic day!